where the heart is. really.

home is a place i never dread coming back to...

even when people are shocked at my long 6 week christmas break, i pretend to be just as shocked as they are and whine about how long and boring it will be but {i am secretly thrilled}.

home is a place where i can sleep in without feeling guilty, look out my window, stare at my ceiling that i painted blue with clouds in 6th grade, walk down the stairs that my feet have memorized, pester my beautiful nephews, sit on my kitchen floor and eat ice cream, have my whole family reunite on a frequent basis, build a fire with my dad and stay in my sweatpants as long as i so desire.

home is a place i am enraptured in.

home was so intensely helpful to me this time around. coming home, being embraced with love, rest and encouragement {which is what i am always embraced with} seemed life saving.

this year has been one of uncertainty, decisions, hard conversations, time management, realizations, growing up, sacrifices and exhaustion - being home extinguishes all these troubles and reminds me of what is lasting in this life.

relationships.

i have learned infinitely more from my relationships than i ever could from plopping my brain in a classroom for hours. i have learned more from arguments, difficulties and heart throbbing disappointments than any bad grade on a test. i have learned how to love deeper, trust more fully, and let go of my own desires for the desires of others far more effectively than in any textbook chapter.

it takes coming home where love flourishes and thoughts are free to waft through my mind instead of being interrupted by my schedule, to realize how good i've got it.

if everything in my world came crashing down around me as of now, i am now confidant that because of the relationships with my family & friends... i would be solid.

that's a realization that i am so blessed to have had, because although i may have previously understood this concept, now i am sure; now i believe it, now i live it.

in other news:

i am shooting my first wedding tomorrow night! my friend phil was kind enough to let me tag along on the wedding he is shooting so i can get some exposure to the wedding photography scene, super cool of him to offer. time to get me anxious/nervous/excited little feet wet.

i am in the process of creating my photography website to better market myself and my future business. {so exciting}

im saving up to get a canon slr of my own, so if you know anyone who is selling one, let me know!

i have had a piece of tape stuck to my sock all day, and will leave it there because of the great crinkly sound it makes.

silly.

... is what i am for staying up so late for no reason.

getting carried away on photography websites seems to be my new habit.

{and a delicious one at that}

but never fear, for tomorrow i get to sleep late for no reason.

yum.

christmatastic

i've been home a week and my suitcase still looks like it erupted and left its remains in every available surface of my bedroom floor.

there's been dance parties, high school parties, nephew parties, best friend-frozen pizza-couch potato parties, sleeping in till noon parties and joyously-remembering-i-don't-have-to-go-to-class-or-do-homework parties {those happen often, and are delicious}

my tummy is full, as well as my heart... it wiggled around in there and made room for some joy.

Christmas was beautiful & full of family, food, and festivities... top notch.

there's been talk of ice skating, sledding and snowman making in the near future... i like all of these things and am savoring all this incredibly wintery business.

well, the melodious tunes of iron and wine & bon iver are now bringing sleep to my eyes and mind once again.

{christmas photos soon}

{sigh}

after a ridiculously difficult semester in all facets of my life, never have i been happier to come home.

as soon as i got here, i was welcomed by lovely rain, christmas decorations, my favorite cookies, and that wonderful pine tree smell.

i beat my family home from wherever they were, and fell asleep on the couch, awakened later by lawson screaming like a wild child, bella barking and many hugs & kisses from my beloved family. the days continued with dinners, shopping, movie watching, oversleeping, and love - lots of intentional love... that i didn't know i needed so badly.

a few days have gone by and i'm becoming less like a zombie and more like myself.

i'm working on some issues within my heart, but am hoping to put them behind me soon and be thankful for them instead of hurt by them. and trying not to understand because i don't think i ever will, but to accept / get over / and get on with my life.

when the day comes that i can reflect peaceably and have no more sadness or stress - i will know that this stormy season of my life is over, and that i will be able to further appreciate the new mercies and ways of growth God will allow me to experience in these upcoming months.

if i have learned anything from these constantly difficult past four months, its that God is:

faithful, present and persistent.

i know without a doubt that he presented me with countless obstacles, so through overcoming them i would grow a little more into the woman he created me to be.

even though it sucked, a lot.

that's not to say there weren't amazing things that happened this semester, there were many. here are a few.

- having the privilege of getting deeper rooted in my church

family through music and youth ministries

- being treasured by and belonging to one person

and the amazing gift that is.

as well as memories made, life lived, and love my heart gave

- finally admitting my passion and pursuing it full force,

even though i am still terrified of what that means as a career

- watching all 10 seasons of friends,

a pointless, but much needed personal victory

- and discovering that in my constant weakness

God's strength & love are made perfect.

here's to six beautiful weeks of home, love, and rest that i so sincerely need. {sigh}

recharging.

sitting on the couch with my beloved miss tierney, a tummy full of ice cream, a body filled with relief and a mind cluttered with a million thoughts; some pressing, some distressing, some pointlessly entertaining. finally... guiltless rest.

i've gotten caught up on my favorite website and stumbled upon some lovely things {below} that ease the eyes and the mind...

i had a good critique on my design final website tonight that i've been working on foreverrr - i was trying to figure out how to post a link to it but my fingers and brain aren't communication well enough at the moment... soon.

even though tomorrow i have errands to run, a bathroom & room to clean, a fridge to empty, clothes to pack, books to sell, words to say, goodbyes to give, and miles to drive... tonight, i am basking in this wonderful new friendship i've made... with doing absolutely nothing.

time to turn off my brain, and turn back on my heart.

cheers christmas break, so far you're a doll.

sunrise.

playing on photoshop... keeping myself occupied.

one. more. day.

today.

today i can get out of bed.

today i can close my eyes without them burning.

today i can think about something else long enough to settle down.

today i can take deep breaths with out telling myself to.

today i can eat, sleep and have conversations.

today i can almost focus.

today i can begin wanting to understand.

today i can try to let God mend my heart,

piece by piece back together.

"We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed;

perplexed, but not in despair;

persecuted, but not abandoned;

struck down, but not destroyed.

We do not lose heart.

Though outwardly we are wasting away,

yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.

For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us

an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.

So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen.

For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."

2 corinthians 4:8-9;16-18

gosh.

'broken' by lifehouse

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though i still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain, there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain, is there healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin', I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm hangin' on another day
Just to see what you throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will be ok

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

friday.

W/O/A/H/

craziest final i've had in a long while.

this morning was my contemporary art trends final and i ended up filling 11 blue book pages with critical analysis essays of particular works. nuts. BUT it is over, thanks jesus for all your help.

in other news: shannon tierney is a fantastic roommate. after i had a late night and an early morning, when we met for chapel she brought me my favorite tea and some of her momma's wonderful banana bread. wonderful. its been so fun living with one of my best friends.

today we had a roommate date night and it was greattt. including deck the haven, starbucks and moulin rouge. mmm. much needed girl time where our brains are being used for far more fun than studying.

now on to a field trip tomorrow for class, last worship practice for a long while, and some website making. soooo close. so close.

"Have you not known? Have you not heard?

The LORD is the everlasting God,

the Creator of the ends of the earth.

He does not faint or grow weary;

his understanding is unsearchable.

He gives power to the faint,

and to him who has no might he increases strength."

isaiah 40:28&29

trains of thought

yesterday was my beloved angela blake's birthday. and after giggling with her late into the night i realized how much i miss that crazy little darling. and how much i value my friends and am so lucky to have them to fill my heart and walk through life with me.

i also realized that there are only SEVEN days left in this semester.

7? really? ridiculous.

these past few months have flown by and been some of the most difficult and discouraging months i've had, probably to date. but i've grown a lot from september till now, and i am so thankful for that transformation, even though it came at a pretty painful price.

yet anoooother realization, that there are only SIXTEEN days till Christmas.

WHERE IS MY LIFE GOING? ha, dramatic, but still - this season has been such a creeper, i didn't even see it coming!

but i am continually grateful that it's here. its presence means rest, family, cold weather, oregon, holiday cheer and no school till february. i'm so excited. so excited.

in other news, discovering new music makes the world go round. i am basking in new music glory and its distracting my soul from the craziness my brain is experiencing (aka...finals). thanks music, for finding your way to my grateful ears. xoxo.

7.7.7.7.7.7.7 days. let's go.

current musical obsessions

This is what my ears have greatly enjoyed this weekend:

- Hearing Damage - Thom Yorke

- Possibility - Lykke Li

- Half of My Heart - John Mayer

- Two Tongues & Paper Cup - The Swell Season

- Internal Heights & The Lime Tree - Trevor Hall

(who I saw live on Saturday after trying to see him for like 2 years. SO SO good, one of my faves)

- Whatever You Like - Anya Marina

- Someday - Pete Yorn & Scarlett Johansson

( I know, I know... Scarlett? It sounds crazy, but Pete Yorn far outweighs her and balances it out, its super good)

- All We Ever Do Is Say Goodbye & Edge of Desire - John Mayer (new album)

- Roslyn - Bon Iver & St. Vincent

- Crips - Ratatat

- Husks & Shells - Volcano Choir

- White Christmas - Otis Redding

- Winter Wonderland - Phantom Planet

____________________________________________

Now go. Eat, drink, and be full of glorious music my friend.

(this is long but just read because its SO great)

I am for an art ...

by Claes Oldenburg

I am for an art that is political-erotical-mystical, that does something other than sit on its ass in a museum.

I am for an art that grows up not knowing it is art at all, an art given the chance of having a staring point of zero.

I am for an art that embroils itself with the everyday crap & still comes out on top.

I am for an art that imitates the human, that is comic, if necessary, or violent, or whatever is necessary.

I am for an art that takes its form from the lines of life itself, that twists and extends and accumulates and spits and drips, and is heavy and coarse and blunt and sweet and stupid as life itself.

I am for an artist who vanishes, turning up in a white cap painting signs or hallways.

I am for an art that comes out of a chimney like black hair and scatters in the sky.

I am for an art that spills out of an old man's purse when he is bounced off a passing fender.

I am for the art out of a doggy's mouth, falling five stories from the roof.

I am for the art that a kid licks, after peeling away the wrapper.

I am for an art that joggles like everyones knees, when the bus traverses an excavation.

I am for art that is smoked, like a cigarette, smells, like a pair of shoes.

I am for art that flaps like a flag or helps blow noses, like a handkerchief.

I am for art that is put on and taken off, like pants, which develops holes, like socks, which is eaten, like a piece of pie, or abandoned with great contempt, like a piece of shit.

I am for art covered with bandages, I am for art that limps and rolls and runs and jumps. I am for art comes in a can or washes up on the shore.

I am for art that coils and grunts like a wrestler. I am for art that sheds hair.

I am for art you can sit on. I am for art you can pick your nose with or stub your toes on.

I am for art from a pocket, from deep channels of the ear, from the edge of a knife, from the corners of the mouth, stuck in the eye or worn on the wrist.

I am for art under the skirts, and the art of pinching cockroaches.

I am for the art of conversation between the sidewalk and a blind mans metal stick.

I am for the art that grows in a pot, that comes down out of the skies at night, like lightning, that hides in the clouds and growls. I am for art that is flipped on and off with a switch.

I am for art that unfolds like a map, that you can squeeze, like your sweetys arm, or kiss, like a pet dog. Which expands and squeaks, like an accordion, which you can spill your dinner on, like an old tablecloth.

I am for an art that you can hammer with, stitch with, sew with, paste with, file with.

I am for an art that tells you the time of day, or where such and such a street is.

I am for an art that helps old ladies across the street.

I am for the art of the washing machine. I am for the art of a government check. I am for the art of last wars raincoat.

I am for the art that comes up in fogs from sewer-holes in winter. I am for the art that splits when you step on a frozen puddle. I am for the worms art inside the apple. I am for the art of sweat that develops between crossed legs.

I am for the art of neck-hair and caked tea-cups, for the art between the tines of restaurant forks, for odor of boiling dishwater.

I am for the art of sailing on Sunday, and the art of red and white gasoline pumps.

I am for the art of bright blue factory columns and blinking biscuit signs.

I am for the art of cheap plaster and enamel. I am for the art of worn marble and smashed slate. I am for the art of rolling cobblestones and sliding sand. I am for the art of slag and black coal. I am for the art of dead birds.

I am for the art of scratchings in the asphalt, daubing at the walls. I am for the art of bending and kicking metal and breaking glass, and pulling at things to make them fall down.

I am for the art of punching and skinned knees and sat-on bananas. I am for the art of kids' smells. I am for the art of mama-babble.

I am for the art of bar-babble, tooth-picking, beerdrinking, egg-salting, in-sulting. I am for the art of falling off a bartstool.

I am for the art of underwear and the art of taxicabs. I am for the art of ice-cream cones dropped on concrete. I am for the majestic art of dog-turds, rising like cathedrals.

I am for the blinking arts, lighting up the night. I am for art falling, splashing, wiggling, jumping, going on and off.

I am for the art of fat truck-tires and black eyes.

I am for Kool-art, 7-UP art, Pepsi-art, Sunshine art, 39 cents art, 15 cents art, Vatronol Art, Dro-bomb art, Vam art, Menthol art, L & M art Ex-lax art, Venida art, Heaven Hill art, Pamryl art, San-o-med art, Rx art, 9.99 art, Now art, New ar, How art, Fire sale art, Last Chance art, Only art, Diamond art, Tomorrow art, Franks art, Ducks art, Meat-o-rama art.

I am for the art of bread wet by rain. I am for the rat's dance between floors. I am for the art of flies walking on a slick pear in the electric light. I am for the art of soggy onions and firm green shoots. I am for the art of clicking among the nuts when the roaches come and go. I am for the brown sad art of rotting apples.

I am for the art of meowls and clatter of cats and for the art of their dumb electric eyes.

I am for the white art of refigerators and their muscular openings and closing.

I am for the art of rust and mold. I am for the art of hearts, funeral hearts or sweetheart hearts, full of nougat. I am for the art of worn meathooks and singing barrels of red, white, blue and yellow meat.

I am for the art of things lost or thrown away, coming home from school. I am for the art of cock-and-ball trees and flying cows and the noise of rectangles and squares. I am for for the art of crayons and weak grey pencil-lead, and grainy wash and sticky oil paint, and the art of windshield wipers and the art of the finger on a cold window, on dusty steel or in the bubbles on the sides of a bathtub.

I am for the art of teddy-bears and guns and decapitated rabbits, explodes umbrellas, raped beds, chairs with their brown bones broken, burning trees, firecracker ends, chicken bones, pigeon bones, and boxes with men sleeping in them.

I am for the art of slightly rotten funeral flowers, hung bloody rabbits and wrinkly yellow chickens, bass drums & tambourines, and plastic phonographs.

I am for the art of abandoned boxes, tied like pharohs. I am for an art of watertanks and speeding clouds and flapping shades.

I am for U.S. Government Inspected Art, Grade A art, Regular Price art, Yellow Ripe art, Extra Fancy art, Ready-to-eat art, Best-for-less art, Ready-to-cook art, Fully cleaned art, Spend Less art, Eat Better art, Ham art, Pork art, chicken art, tomato art, banaana art, apple art, turkey art, cake art, cookie art.

I am for an art that is combed down, that is hung from each ear, that is laid on the lips and under the eyes, that is shaved from the legs, that is burshed on the teeth, that is fixed on the thighs, that is slipped on the foot.

(May 1961)

_______________________________________________

YEA YEA YEA YEA!

This is what expelled all my fears of becoming an artist.

All my insecurities went out the window when I happened upon this at the beginning of the semester.

This is the kind of art I want to make, scratch that...the art I will make.

december things

Things:

-I got a B on the largest & most important paper of my semester from the most GENIUS professor who I really admire. Little bit life changing, I thought it'd be a C or C- for sure. So stoked.

- Ice Skating Night event for Social Board went super well, over 400 students showed up and not only did we break even but we made money, and had so much fun.

-As my life gets crazier, my room gets messier... sorry Shan, haha.

- I am TRIPPIN out that there's less than two weeks of the semester left. Trippin.

- I have to give the gorgeous SLR camera I've been borrowing back to my friend next week, it will be a sad sad day in the life of Rachel McCord. I've grown to love that little contraption.

- I am afraid that Mono is coming back, and this is a very unopportune time for it to do so. I guess it's not coming back, its just fluctuating, and since I've been going non stop its just angry with me.

- I just realized my family will pick out the Christmas tree without me this year :( my favorite Christmas activity.

- My gramma is having cancer removal surgery on Wednesday. Please be praying. Recovery will be long and painful.

- There are not many things that cannot be bettered by a hazelnut Chai.

- I can never get over this time of the year, its so bittersweet, I want to hang out with everyone that I won't see for weeks but have so much work to do, its always a mad rushed two weeks. This time I'll try to love it, not love to hate it.

- I can't wait to be home, away from finals, away from illness, away from stress and sometimes sadness. I can't wait to rest and be a kid for a while.

I am chosen

Isaiah 42

The LORD’s Chosen Servant

¹Behold my servant, whom I uphold,
my chosen, in whom my soul delights;
I have put my Spirit upon him;
he will bring forth justice to the nations.
²He will not cry aloud or lift up his voice,
or make it heard in the street;
³ a bruised reed he will not break,
and a faintly burning wick he will not quench;
he will faithfully bring forth justice.
⁴He will not grow faint or be discouraged
till he has established justice in the earth;
and the coastlands wait for his law.

⁵Thus says God, the LORD,
who created the heavens and stretched them out,
who spread out the earth and what comes from it,
who gives breath to the people on it
and spirit to those who walk in it:
⁶"I am the LORD; I have called you in righteousness;
I will take you by the hand and keep you;
I will give you as a covenant for the people,
a light for the nations,

⁷ to open the eyes that are blind,
to bring out the prisoners from the dungeon,
from the prison those who sit in darkness.

⁸I am the LORD; that is my name;
my glory I give to no other,
nor my praise to carved idols.
⁹Behold, the former things have come to pass,
and new things I now declare;
before they spring forth
I tell you of them."

__________________________________________

Our God is incredible.

Something I shouldn't have to remind myself of, but I do.

Because I am small and silly. But I am striving for more and to be more.