blog slacker

dang. i haven't posted since APRIL.... its June.

proof that my life is outta control.

since then i have:

had my senior show
finished my last semester of college
GRADUATED & celebrated
moved out of my apartment & studio
bid farewell to all my dear friends
moved into a house with 6 other girls (where i live on a couch, on what used to be a back porch)
started summer school
tried to be a big girl, even though i don't want to.

so many things.
more updates to come!

time doesn't fly, it rockets.

apparently now i just blog monthly. sad.

since my last update i have:

-not passed my biology class....depressing.
-enrolled in summer school for, you guessed it, more biology... slightly more depressing
-by said passing and enrolling discovered that i WILL graduate and WILL walk at graduation.. not at all depressing.
-finished the biolan, the yearbook, my pride and joy - which is now on the presses & comes out in early may.
-am currently at h o m e for spring break: enjoying my family, jesus, and finishing up my senior show.

so many hard things, mixed with so many good things. it's hard too keep up, even with my own life.
but i'm glad for the challenge and the diversity. spending my last few nights in my bed as an oregon resident and college student. so weird. so so weird, but good.

only a few more days at home before its show weekend.
those of you located in lovely southern california check out my show!
VERSO: towards | reverse.
a fine art photographic exhibition (speaking to the concept of time & misplaced memories)

May 2nd-6th in the Biola Univeristy Gallery (13800 Biola Ave. La Mirada, CA 90639)
Opening reception is Monday May 2nd 6-9pm - I'd love to see ya!

take care dear friends.

w o a h

haven't blogged for like a month. crayzay.

since then i have been:

-conquering biology (and hopefully passing it)
-working like a madwoman on (school/ the biolan/my show, etc)
-enjoying friends
-not really sleeping
-not really eating regularly
-not really ever knowing what day or time it is
-having a very closeknit relationship with starbucks or really anything caffinated in a cup
-wishing the days towards graduation weren't ticking away so quickly.

my show is in TWENTY - FOUR days.
yikes.
can't wait for it to arrive // can't wait for it to be over.
such is life. bittersweet.

tomorrow.

i am singing in public.
where people will hear me... and clap.
its gonna be real weird.
but hopefully real fun.

we shall see.
(but im real nervz)

i get paid to do this

just somethin for the yearbook.
even though i get paid to do this...i would still do it, even if i didn't get paid.
im making a divider for one of the spreads for the Biolan spelling out the word "academics" through books, by actually cutting through each word to spell it out.
it looks pretty rad, i'm really happy with it so far. even though i only have 3 letters, with like 2 hours spent on each... but nbd, i can never get enough of working with my hands and my headphones.
i love that this is my job. and that i get to do things that i love everyday, and get paid for it.
let's just hope that trend continues after my undergraduate career is over. [fingers crossed]

back from Italia.

wow wow wow.
just got back yesterday from my interterm trip to Italy.
my soul is still swimming with all that my eyes saw, all that my mind learned, and all that my heart felt. (photographic proof soon to come)

now i'm sleepily resetting my brain to school mode this next coming week and am preparing to look through all of the images i took while i was over in that beautiful country. i might have an art-attack while looking over them. and then may also have the sudden impulse to run back to the airport and catch the first flight to Florence that I can find/sell organs to afford.
but i'll probably refrain. probably.

my heart is so full, even though my mind and body are so weary.
that right there, is a feeling of great accomplishment.
ciao ciao.

tomorrow.

tomorrow marks the last time i will drive back to school for spring semester.
this may seem like a silly thing to get sentimental about, but here i go.

this is the last time i'll drive sleepily after a blissful christmas holiday back to california - rested and ready.
except this time i get to have an italian hiatus before embarking on the semester. which still hasn't fully digested in my mind yet, but im starting to pull my head out of the clouds a bit and realize that on sunday i will be getting another stamp on my passport. (!) i think my camera may be more aware of what's happening at this point than i am.

this is the last week that ill complete final registration, scour amazon for cheap textbooks, move back into my apartment and say hello again to my dear friends.

this is the beginning of the last familiar cycle in my life.
after this semester is over nothing is certain.

makes my fingers tingle a little just typing it.
but God is good, im a tough cookie and ive got some great experience under my belt.
i should probably be more worried than i am, but taking things in stride is my specialty.

now its time to pack up my life, crank up my jeep and say farewell to my beloved hometown, until next time. crazy.

so fascinating.

the story of a nanny who was an undiscovered photographer. her work was just found last year and had never previously been seen. its up to par with all the greats of 20th century photography. i just watched this twice. so obsessed. her work is beautiful and so interesting.
...the host of the show is a loser, but its worth it. i pinky swear.

i did it.

finals week... over.

can't believe i actually got everything done, on time and done well - for the most part.
praise jesus.

now comes the part i'm not so good at, slowing down.
the two things i'm worst at are resting and spending time alone.
both of which i will be doing a lot of this week.

i've decided to take this week to rest, reflect, and hang out with as many friends as i can before heading home for break. because this time next semester i will be packing up and shipping out. weird, im just not ready for that yet.

and now is the time of year (both academic and calendar) i get overly sentimental and need all the personal friendship connections i can get! ergo, the 4 extra days to stick around.

after lost of end of ze semester celebrating with pals, ill head up to san francisco to play and see my dearest brooke, then i'm homeward bound.

still can't believe its the middle of december and time to go home. dang.

timeout.

it never fails.

i overbook//overstress//overcommit//overanalyze//& overwhelm myself during the last leg of the semester. i never take time to sit and relax.

n e v e r fails.

in addition to the stress of school-work-church-friends-events-life there is a chapel requirement. like most other biola students, i put off and cram like a Catholic at daily mass towards the end because we slacked off for most of the semester.

today there was a chapel called Sabbathing which is three hours long = 3 chapel credits. an obvious score.

i'd gone to Sabbathings before and they were fine, a little over an hour of quiet reflection followed by group reflection, debreif, scripture and prayer. that's fine, that's nice.

but today it was g r e a t.
my tired & jumbled little self really really needed it.
even though the first 20 minutes of the hour i was going through a mental checklist of all the other things i had to do, or could be doing instead of sitting in silence... when do i ever sit down for more than 10 minutes without feeling rushed/guilty i'm not being productive/ or stressed? God broke me & my schedule today.

i realized, again, that i put myself in a cycle of over-productivity followed by overstimulation, followed by overwhelming stress.
God busted that wide open today. halle to the lujah.

"Fear not for I have redeemed you; 

I have called you by name, you are mine.

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; 

and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; 

when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, 

and the flames shall not consume you.

For I am the Lord your God, 

the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.

Because you are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you, 

I give men in return for you, peoples in exchange for your life.

Fear not, for I am with you."

Isaiah 43:1-5

i am just one person, trying to do a million things by myself... no wonder i can't seem to manage. i hate being by myself, i need interaction and i need people.
so why do i choose to do everything by myself instead of asking for help or strength?
who knows. but i keep doing it, its stupid.

all i know is i just pressed a restart button on my semester. my l a s t fall semester.
its go time.
i'm gonna make it.
thanks Jesus.

struggs.

just spent the last 11 hours in the airport. 10am - 9pm. flight delayed, then delayed, then delayed, then cancelled. at one point the plane i was supposed to get on, once it was in the air, it turned a r o u n d. what? really? yes. madness.

11 hours, 2 diet cokes, lots of photoshop, and 3 free "oops, we're sorry" pieces of pizza later. i am still in medford, oregon. and it is no longer thanksgiving break.
this is silly/stressful/tiring/reallynothelpfulatall.

ok, i just needed to get it out.
i'm done whining now, i think.

fingers crossed that wind shileds on planes don't crack tomorrow and don't need to be teased and repaired for 11 hours.

(also fingers crossed that the completely dreamy man in the leather jacket is on the flight tomorrow. i could smell his armani from 5 feet away. yeah, that good. i may or may not have been in the same room with him for too long. only time will tell)

it's setting in

senioritis.

i've lost [almost] all desire to be in school.
i'm procrastinating.
i'm dawdling.
i'm late to things.
i apologize to my planner for filling it from corner to corner; a cramped handwriting massacre.
i'm day dreaming about the elusive - yet ever present "after graduation"
i'm sleepy, always.
i'm too busy to do fun things.
i'm pretty sure even my camera battery is tired.
if i don't write it down, it doesn't happen.
oops. i guess that's how it goes.

the other day i was planning out some things [my show date, graduation, signatures, transfer classes etc] and it hit me...
my life as a student will be over f o r e v e r on may 28th, 2011.
i've been a student for like 16 years or something ridiculous, and now in 6 months i just... won't be.

the more i chat with my pals about their post grad plans, the more i realize that soon i will be expected to make some decisions, take some risks and be really really poor just like every graduate before me.  i'm not sure i'm okay with the social norm.

it's always been so far off in the distance that i've never stopped to consider what will happen when i actually get there.

well, i'm there and let me tell ya... it's weird.
and i know that in 6 months when this is all behind me, it will be even weirder.
it will be as if part of my identity has now been stripped away and i now have to figure out who i want to be for the next chunk of my life.
huh, so bizarre.
i'll letcha know what i can scrounge up.

too busy to blog

because this is what my days feel like...

[philip lorca dicorcia, look em up.]

9 more days till i am home in oregon.
where i plan to drink chai every day, keep my planner tucked away in my suitcase, pile on many layers of warm clothing & lots of mccord hugs, and bask in the slowness of life, the falling of leaves and use of my windshield wipers.

cannot wait. c a n n o t.

but these next 9 days will be jampacked. yikes. just thinking about it makes me want to take a nap. maybe i will...

i love being aunt ray ray.

yesterday my heart melted into a puddle on the floor. and i'm pretty sure its still there.

amber (one of my sisters) called me in class and as i picked up i heard this lovely little voice saying: "oh, hi ray ray, i miss you!"

U G H. slayed me, right then and there. insta-tears.
it was Lawson, my favorite freakin 2 year old.

shortly followed by this little voice: "blorajdja hi rayraaay asndlk"

Tanner, my favorite one year old.

my day was made, and i had a silly smile on my face for at least an hour.

after talking to amber for a bit she told me that when my whole family gets together when i'm at school Law always says "where's ray ray?"
my dear sweet little neph notices when im gone.

gosh, so amazing. and breaks my heart even more that i'm not there.

after lawson singing me a song and tanner mumbling adorably i said goodbye - feeling so refreshed and loved and missed. and now i really s e r i o u s l y can't wait to go home and squeeze the living daylights out of these little creatures. only 18 more dayssss. ptl.

spice up your l i f e.

for halloween my dear sweet roommates and i went as the Spice Girls, duh.

Angela - Sporty Spice (hence the sports bra)

Melissa - Posh Spice (hence the black)

Myself - Ginger Spice (hence the red)

Christina - Baby Spice (hence the pigtails)

also, our friend Sam was Bob Dylan

we (with our neighbors in our apartment) impromptu trick or treated, 

we played fax machine, we played cutthroat mofia, 

we acted like 6 year olds when we hoarded/traded candy, 

we watched a scary movie before bed and were terrified for hours. 

overall we just played which was lovely.

 

and this candy has been sitting on our counter ever since...

since then i have...

spent 10 hours on an insanely meticulous art installation with my photographer at work, taught myself how to print a photo on wood with liquid light, got kicked out of class for not doing the reading, didn't eat for 12 hours straight (on accident), attempted to do an art instillation in the park with dresses illuminated by candles hanging from trees, and nearly caught the whole place on fire due to the dress that burst into flames, after which i had to buy tons of neosporin for my blistering hot wax burns, and wanted everyday to be cold and at home instead of sweating it out in 90 degree heat in november.

its been struggs to say the least.

but i'm done whining now, just had to get it out.

it's now the weekend, and tomorrow were throwing a man-themed birthday party for Melissa (Posh Spice), complete with mustache cake, xbox, pickup line contest, burgers, coffee and donuts and man attire. should be a whole bunch of manly fun. mmm.

i think i can, i think i can, i think i can...

... i think.

once again, my life is so busy that its stupid.
and i've learned one thing from all of it - i can do whatever i set my mind to. seriously.

there hasn't been one project, one idea, one job that i've had the inspiration to do that turned out horribly. everything i've tried - i've completed. everything i've thought up - i've made into physical form.

this is something i've never sat down and thought about. and once i did, it blew my mind.
i've been so blessed with the opportunities i've had and the inspirations i've been given.

and the encouragement from my peers, my professors, my colleagues at work, my bosses at my internships, my family and even my friends who have no idea about what the heck i'm making... makes a  world of difference.

the positive reinforcement i've been receiving is the biggest motivator i have to keep going. even when my little brain is empty and inspiration is dry.

its making me realize more and more how invested i am & how energized i become when i'm part of a community.

so even in the midst of midterm-mayhem, i think i can... so therefore i can. PTL.

p.s... pictures of what i've been slaving over these days are soon to come.

oh.... hey.

yikes. its been quite a while since i've been able to sit down and blog.
even now i don't have time, and should be doing something more productive, buuut i've got some word vomit i should probably unleash, ha.

this semester is c r a y z a y. crayzaay. and i know i always say that, but this time its real...

i forget to eat meals because i don't have time.
i stand up for 6 hours straight.
i take at least 200 pictures a day between work and school.
every moment of my day is planned, written down, filed away, and scribbled on.
i've already found myself whining and i've only been here a little over a month.
(and i h a t e when i whine, its very unflattering).

its crazy, thats the only way i can figure out how to say.

B U T.

it is so rich. so full of energy, fulfillment, inspiration and lessons in humility.
i've learned to listen and then act.
to let myself breath and not be put-together at all times both physically and academically.
i've realized how to push through, get things done and do them as well as i can.
i've remembered that God is good. And is good at dealing with me, no matter how ridiculous my life gets.

i've grown up just in these past 6 weeks, and i cant figure out quite yet where to put that in my mind - but i'm getting closer.

p.s.. in my next post i'll letcha see what i've been working on during all these loony & long days.

im tired.

its only been a month of school, and im already tired.
i already want to sleep through classes and run away to the beach.
i am already starting to tune out during lectures and procrastinate.
but i love what i'm doing, so why am i all outta whack? who knows. mystery.

this is not so good, as you might imagine.

i need a jump start of the: mind, body, spirit, energy, attitude and appetite for my life.

otherwise i will continue to look like this.

and let's be real, no one wants to see that...

reset

sometimes it just takes a phone call to my dad, making brownies with my roommates, and a few episodes of sex & the city to reset my attitude button after a series of unfortunate events.

because in the past few days i've:
visited a museum (by myself, way less fun)
flooded my professors office
stubbed my toe
fell asleep multiple times in the same class period
had to rearrange an entire office space
nearly flashed a maintenance worker
and straight up acted ridiculous on several occasions.

needless to say its been stuggs, hardcore.

but, now the button has been pushed and i'm feeling more normal and less pathetic circumstantially. and it's time for tuesday.

and on a completely different note, i wish it was fall here.
i have a merciless desire to wear flannel, boots and scarves and do nothing but duck into coffee shops to get out of the rain.

autumn, come quickly if you please.

This day in history...

On this exact day/time/place last year, this is was what I was thinking, learning and feeling.
It's weird... not much of it has changed. That's both super comforting and a little unnerving.
________________________________________
From Septemeber 15, 2009:


I feel like everyday since I've been back at school I learn something about myself that I had forgotten about or newly discovered.

I've learned that I am a purely visual learner. If I can't see it, possibly feel it or visualize it somehow, it will go in one ear and out the other. Guaranteed.

I've learned that I don't talk as much as I thought. Those who know me well are howling with laughter at this moment I'm sure, but really, I've met some crazy crazy talkers these past few weeks. I'm put in my place next to them, man.. I didn't think it was possible.

I've learned I giggle when I don't have any clue what I'm doing. Trying to pass off my inablity as cuteness? Uncomfortable nervousness? Gut instinct? I dunno, its funny, and in turn makes me giggle more, duh.

I've learned that I get very emotionally invested in almost every situation in which I am involved. Lunch with friends, a piece of literature, song lyrics, my nephews every movement it seems, time with those i love, a circumstance I may hear in passing regarding someone I don't know and will never meet, the ridiculous story lines of teen soap operas, you name it, I'm sucked in.

I've learned that I am very selfish with my time. I am way too social for my own good and college is just a reciepe for every single class failure if I was allowed to play as much as my heart desires. So supressing my social butterfly within me is very hard to do and I've realized that because of this I am a time whore, reserving far more play time than work time in my schedule. Which is almost always impossible {sigh}.

I've learned how much I love to sing. Since being back at Mosaic Whittier, my lovely church, I've sang every week and never get tired of it. Never get bored of it. Never get self conscious about it. Weird, can't explain it, just love it.

I've learned that I should pursue what I want, even if I am self conscious if I will succeed. Which means I want to probably switch my emphasis from Design to Interdisciplinary which means I would study both Design and Photography, which is what I love and wanted to do from the start. I just got nervous, and am feeling affirmation that I should pursue it and design together, not just singularly. So, that's real exciting. 
___________________________________


Crazy, but also not at all crazy. I'm finally realizing that I k n o w myself real well, and can both pull back and push forward things I want to keep and things I want to change.
Just thinking aloud I suppose, reflecting and readjusting.