twentyeleven

happy next year of life my fine friends!

may you be both silly & wise in twentyeleven.

why BBC always wins my vote...

i don't even care that this is stupid. it gets me e v e r y time.

woah.

hmmm.... i'm a happy girl right now. 

for reasons soon to be explained.

i always forget

i love being home, but every time i come back i seem to forget that i do.

i love the cold, the rain, the light traffic, the nostalgia of familiar street signs and landmarks, the autopilot that turns on in my mind, the smell of my house, the love from my family, the habits that return, the atmosphere that i seamlessly slip back into, the fact that i can't go anywhere without seeing someone that i know, the chill in the air, the leaves on the ground and the feeling of belonging.

i will always love this place, simply because its been my home for so many years and has become such an important part of who i am now.

and im soaking as much of it up as i possibly can because after this spring, i don't know where i will call my home. i just hope wherever that is, i will never disregard how much i love my hometown, and how much i'll miss it when i have to grow up and move on.

don't mean to get so sentimental, but thats just what this place does to me. mmmm.

i did it.

finals week... over.

can't believe i actually got everything done, on time and done well - for the most part.
praise jesus.

now comes the part i'm not so good at, slowing down.
the two things i'm worst at are resting and spending time alone.
both of which i will be doing a lot of this week.

i've decided to take this week to rest, reflect, and hang out with as many friends as i can before heading home for break. because this time next semester i will be packing up and shipping out. weird, im just not ready for that yet.

and now is the time of year (both academic and calendar) i get overly sentimental and need all the personal friendship connections i can get! ergo, the 4 extra days to stick around.

after lost of end of ze semester celebrating with pals, ill head up to san francisco to play and see my dearest brooke, then i'm homeward bound.

still can't believe its the middle of december and time to go home. dang.

poison & wine

this song is the most beautiful thing i've heard in weeks.
(and no, i didn't not discover it on grey's anatomy)

yikes

sometimes things are hard, just because they're hard.
not because of something i could have done differently or because i was in the wrong place at the wrong time.. just because it in itself is difficult.

this week i experienced a new kind of hard.
i was stretched in every way possible.
i didn't go to sleep before 4am all week... & straight up just didn't sleep at yesterday.
i had every minute of my day written down, underlined, post-it noted and crossed out.
i spent literally 90% my day in front of a computer screen.
i've had not only overwhelming projects to conquer at school, but also had daily shoots at work to edit and post.
i've had a headache pretty much solid since sunday afternoon.
i had my senior show concept demolished, now left to start from nothing all over again.

this. week. was. hard.

but somehow, this week was great.

i got overwhelmingly high praise from my boss. which i was not expecting.
i logged some quality time with my beloved friends in the art lab, who were also getting murdered by their schedules.
i got great feedback on my commercial portfolio as well as my hefty semester long project.
i felt the love and support of those i care about most in this time of craziness and disappointments.
i realized that i'm human, and suck at most things, and that it's ok to be weak and let people help you.

pretty sure this was the most difficult week of my academic career.
even my eyelashes are tired.

don't mean to whine, just gotta get it out somehow.

now on to a restful weekend and two more finals on monday. then its ciao fall 2010. and hello christmas break & I T A L Y. crazy.

timeout.

it never fails.

i overbook//overstress//overcommit//overanalyze//& overwhelm myself during the last leg of the semester. i never take time to sit and relax.

n e v e r fails.

in addition to the stress of school-work-church-friends-events-life there is a chapel requirement. like most other biola students, i put off and cram like a Catholic at daily mass towards the end because we slacked off for most of the semester.

today there was a chapel called Sabbathing which is three hours long = 3 chapel credits. an obvious score.

i'd gone to Sabbathings before and they were fine, a little over an hour of quiet reflection followed by group reflection, debreif, scripture and prayer. that's fine, that's nice.

but today it was g r e a t.
my tired & jumbled little self really really needed it.
even though the first 20 minutes of the hour i was going through a mental checklist of all the other things i had to do, or could be doing instead of sitting in silence... when do i ever sit down for more than 10 minutes without feeling rushed/guilty i'm not being productive/ or stressed? God broke me & my schedule today.

i realized, again, that i put myself in a cycle of over-productivity followed by overstimulation, followed by overwhelming stress.
God busted that wide open today. halle to the lujah.

"Fear not for I have redeemed you; 

I have called you by name, you are mine.

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; 

and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; 

when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, 

and the flames shall not consume you.

For I am the Lord your God, 

the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.

Because you are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you, 

I give men in return for you, peoples in exchange for your life.

Fear not, for I am with you."

Isaiah 43:1-5

i am just one person, trying to do a million things by myself... no wonder i can't seem to manage. i hate being by myself, i need interaction and i need people.
so why do i choose to do everything by myself instead of asking for help or strength?
who knows. but i keep doing it, its stupid.

all i know is i just pressed a restart button on my semester. my l a s t fall semester.
its go time.
i'm gonna make it.
thanks Jesus.