i have no idea.

its so funny how my mind works sometimes.

as i was sitting in the love nook, drinking tea, etching out my linoleum cut and watching gilmore girls i suddenly realized - i have no idea what i'm doing with my life.

it just sprung into my mind as if from no where and proceeded to stress the daylights out of me. within seconds my tea and homework became secondary to frantically googling photographers and their biographies, apartments in various cities, the average debt accrued from undergrad,  "how to be a grown up" (yeah, really - i goog'ed it) and statistics on employment for art students post grad. and let me tell ya, it's not pretty.

i've never been a long term planner, but its something i am getting a lot better at. i'm getting better at choosing an economical option that may be just as good, just not what i had dreamed or envisioned for myself.

the greatest advice my dad ever gave me that i will always remember - is nothing absurdly profound or brilliantly different than what i'm sure your fathers told you, but since my dear old dad, who is the wisest of the wise told me, i'll take it to the bank.

it went something like "don't take a job just because it makes more money. because no matter how much money you have, if you don't do what you love you will never be rich." see? its gold.

and because of that little nugget, i've always been a big dreamer. having no doubt that i will do exactly what it is that i want to be doing with my self. and that i won't settle for things that are not advantageous to that end. and for the most part i have.

i did the sports i wanted, had the friends i wanted, did the things i wanted, dated the guys i  wanted, went to the college i wanted, studied what i wanted, listen to the music i wanted, wore the clothes i wanted, went to the church i wanted, etc.

but i am graduating this time next spring and that f r e a k s me out because what if i won't get to do what it is that i want? i realize this sounds like a 5 yr old little punk that didn't get the barbie she wanted for her birthday. but if you know me, you will know that's not at all what i mean. i'm just terrified that i wont be able to pursue my dreams.

biggest current fear: what if i graduate and don't get to do photography? what if i get stuck in an office job i barely tolerate because its "smart" or "economical" and i never get out? what if i graduate and don't get to flesh out my passions, adventure, or pursue my dreams? what if i get so caught up in what i should do that i lose sight of what i desire to do and what God has created me to do?

after this craze, i sat and again realized - i am okay with having no idea what i'm doing with my life. seriously and truly okay.

because i know that there's a stirring in my soul that can't be quieted.

that there's a cause i must fight for, a passion i must pursue, a drive i can't ignore, and a God i live to serve that won't let my desires get trampled by cubicles, dingy coffee pots and clerical work without providing me a way to fulfill my kingdom potential.

so although i am terrified that i have no idea where i will be this time next year, i am confident that i will be somewhere and i will not be asking how i got there, i will be thankful for where i've been and where i'm going.

woah, all this from watching gilmore girls. nuts.