Oh, dear.

How silly of me to think...ok great, midterms are over I will have a little time to catch up and chill out before the work starts piling up again. So funny. I already have another test, and paper, and project. Due next week, fun! Not to be a debbie downer, but I'm not too pleased with this whole massive amounts of stuff to do business...not my cup of tea.

BUT Thanksgiving break is in a few weeks and there are many wonderful things this time of year that seem to make me feel better regardless of the craziness in my life.

1. The temperature is slightly dropping here in SoCal, I'm wearing a scarf today in hopes that it will actually get cold enough to be functional instead of merely fashionable.
2. The leaves are falling....love it.
3. Punk n' Pie. Biola's annual talent show that was last night. Very entertaining and festive, and free pumpkin pie afterwards (which is the real reason my friends and I attend in the first place)
4.Halloween festivities. Tomorrow night I will be Tom Cruise from Risky Business, very exciting.
5. Being able to listen to Christmas music soon, without feeling weird or festivly out of place.
6. I get to go home soon to REAL fall weather in lovely Oregon w/ the people I love. CAN'T wait.

Until then, I will enjoy all the faux fall that California has to offer.

My walls are drowning...

When entering my dorm room, it is normal to be visually overwhelmed. The normal reaction we get from visitors is "Woah! It's crazy in here...so many colors!" It is normal to feel instantly cluttered and get the sensation you are walking into an area people have been living in for months and months. My roommate and I have a clutter problem, well more like a clutter craving. We both feel most at home when we are surrounded by the things we love, and we both love lots of things, clearly.

I have accumulated lots of love and have plastered my walls with it. I brought back some (giant) leaves from my visit home this month, which are hanging next to the Art Wall, which is next to my posters, which are next to my Italian peace flag. And yesterday I got the pictures I ordered in the mail from Snapfish, and they are frantically taking residence on almost the entire wall next to by bed. And above my bed (which is the bottom of Angela's bed) is also covered with pictures, collages, postcards, verses, magazine cut outs, and of course...James Dean.

The outward expression of myself is on display in every wall of the room. My love for my family, friends, the outdoors, my home, traveling, appreciation for different cultures and countries, photography, art and adventure. My walls are drowning...and I like it that way.

I don't really want to jump rope right now, thanks though.

There are many things I could and probably should be doing right now, but I'm just not motivated to. It feels like when you're about to dive into a jump rope or double dutch session, you just can't seem to find the right time or strength to hop in. Partly because you don't want to get slapped in the head with the rope, but mostly because you don't want to get tripped up, tangled or flustered.

Hmm, I can't really put a finger on why I'm feeling this way lately, but I definitely know that it's weird and that I don't want to be in the audience of my own life. I feel like maybe it's because everything in my life at this point is bound by a tight schedule, and I don't think I'm really a schedule type person. I feel like I need to step outside of the limitations I have on my life and just get away, but that's totally not an option right now.

I also feel like the things that are occupying my time are very lukewarm. For instance, my job - yes it pays, but it also takes a lot from me personally and I don't know how much longer I can be drained by it. My classes - yes they are good, but they are getting pretty discouraging, art is kinda tough right now and I'm starting to wonder if I'm cut out for it. I really want to be because I really enjoy it, but I feel so silly sometimes. My friends - are wonderful, but I don't get to spend time with them as much as I would like to because school is taking over all of our lives lately. My spiritual life - is being enriched by my classes yes, but is getting overshadowed and even diminished by all this commotion going on.

Man, I did'nt realize how much I had to whine about. I'll try to take that down a notch. And hmm, well I'll just try to find a way to spice up my life. And also make time of nothingness to just...be.

Dear Fall, please come to California. Sincerely, Rachel

Ok, so I've officially decided I am a cold weather person. I've always enjoyed summer weather, being outside in the sunshine and all the super fun activities that type of climate entails. But ever since I've moved down here for school, I get the opposite weather effect than one you would assume. People that live in cold climates, I'm guessing, get depressed when it's cold and rainy all the time. For some reason, I'm getting way bummed out by all this WARM weather! I know, right? I've got it backwards. I have been craving cold weather literally everyday and would take a sweater over a tank top in a second! It's funny because when it gets even a little bit chilly down here I bundle up, hoping that it will get really cold...and then I just look silly because it's barely cold enough for a sweatshirt, jeez. I wish someone would inform SoCal that it's time for it to be fall now =)

It's weird though, I wish that I could just chill out and enjoy all the warm weather, but I just wanna cuddle up and listen to the rain...I guess I'll have to wait till I head back up to Oregon and get my freezing fix. Maybe until then I'll just blast the AC and take cold showers, we'll see what I come up with...

Artistic Overload

Woah, it's been months since I've been on here! And not to treat it like a diary, but goodness so much has happened since then. But recapping is silliness and there is no need, so just pretend everything is up to date and every detail has been expressed vividly.

I feel like the biggest thing I've been learning this semester is how to think and see things artistically. All of my classes have successfully opened my eyes to see each subject differently and with a fresh outlook. My art classes especially have been smacking me around quite a bit and have been training my mind's eye to wield its creativity in a way that is visually and verbally expressive. I find myself in everyday life noticing value, composition, lighting and on and on in every day objects or views; I would have NEVER cared or even valued this before. I find myself thinking, "hmm, how could I draw that?" Weird, I know. And I also know I do NOT draw, but I'm learning, slowly.

My philosophy and theology classes have been very stimulating as well. They have opened my mind in a deeper and more realistic since that are based upon my core beliefs. I am constantly in awe of what I learn in these classes because they are literally pinnacle points of my life that I base all beliefs, decisions, and actions upon and I am now being challenged to express these beliefs. It's so tough, but so great and beneficial.

I feel like in all these things, I am being drastically overstimulated, my mind actually might eventually deflate because of all this junk (helpful junk, but junk none the less) that is waiting its turn to hop into my brain and boggle me. This is all part of why college is so crazy. When am I ever going to have this opportunity ever again? To sit all day and listen to some of the wisest and most experienced minds in their field? When again can I ever be a mental garbage disposal and just take in and digest everything I'm learning and experiencing? When will I ever be able to be surrounded by people that encourage, inspire, and bring joy to my life that can relate to me in my current state of life right now? Never.

Even though I feel like I'm being mentally and artistically fire hosed right now, I really don't want it to end, and I know it will, so I've just gotta be a sponge.

Itchin' for some artwork

The past couple of days, I've just been wishing I had a house (of my own) that I could decorate and fill with goodies. Maybe it's the fact that my sister keeps getting Pottery Barn magazines aaand I keep looking at them, or I'm just eager to have place of my own, who knows. The point is that I want some art. I want some legit artsy art that I can put up in my own place and just drown the walls with funk and obscurity. I want to have a place that you walk into and just know its mine without having to ask any questions, but just look around my house to figure me out.

When I was in Europe last summer with my fam we went to tons of museums and there really are loads of awesome art out there that I wanna score a piece of. Degas was my favorite artist after much deliberation. Monet and Van Gogh were runner ups for sure, but I thought Degas would look rad in my new (fictional, remember) house.

Maybe that's why I wanna be an art major? Not to copy cat the greats or anything, but to somehow recreate their creations after being jumbled in my mind and then redistributed to something resembling art. Eh, who knows, maybe someone will be itchin' for some of my art someday... I can only hope. Till then, I'll settle for someone else's.

Oh shoot, what am I doing with my life?

Yuck. Why am I so decisive when it comes to a pair of shoes or a movie, but when it comes to major life choices...I'm absolutely awful! It's because I like to think I'm waaay smart about my decisions that don't mean anything, to cover up my serious life decision making skills. Yeah, I know, no bueno.

Where does all this decision evaluation come from? I'm switching my major, again, but instead of from undeclared to Biblical Studies, its from Biblical Studies to undeclared...tricky huh? The more I think about being a Bible major the more I find myself saying "really? really...wait really?" And that's never a good sign with me because that usually means I did something silly.

I think I chose to major in Bible because I love the Lord, the Bible and want to share that with others, but first be educated to do so. But the truth is, I know I am going to have that same passion regardless of what profession I choose, so why spend thousands of dollars on something I am already planning and wanting to do, instead of learning an actual skill that I can use to glorify God.

So what do I plan to do now, you ask? Well, good question... I don't really know. Art my be an option, Journalism may be an option, shoot Psych may even be an option. The truth is, I really don't know where I'm going, and I think I like it that way.

Sono imparare l'italiano.

(Above is a little bit of Venice, Italy my FAVORITE city in the world!)

It's true, I'm learning Italian. My mom is fluent and awesome because she lived in Italy for 11 years while she was growing up, and still teaches Italian classes, you should take her class... I am! haha.
It's pretty ridiculous I have lived all these years without knowing Italian. My brother and sister both spent a year abroad in Florence, Italy in college so they still remember a bit. My grandparents are mostly fluent as well...as you can see I am waaaay behind the norm in this fam.
So, I'm learning Italian this summer so that when I go back to Italy (eventually) I will be able to speak with the greatest of ease, and in the mean time, it's just a beautiful language that I am eager to learn!
All I can really speak at this point are things like, where are you going? What's your name? Where are you from? and I would like a small gelato, please! (Ok, that one really happened in Italy, but still I know how to say it, haha)
Oh, just you wait, I'll be rattling off Italian lingo in no time!

thunderstorms...yes, please!

Ok, so who doesn't love a good thunderstorm? It's entertaining to watch something so powerful look so awesome at the same time. And if they are summer storms, like the one today, they're even better. I mean really, it's pretty rad when its still a solid 100 degrees outside and raining and storming like a beast. We have a lavender plant in front of my house, and I could smell it before I even made it to the front door, all that heat and water made it fume, it was glorious.

It's weird, I think I'm a big fan of things that are a little bit backwards. I've discovered a trend in my own behavior and tastes that I enjoy things that are just a little bit off. Like crazy summer thunderstorms, eating soup on a hot day, wearing flip flops in the snow, eating cereal for dinner and cold pizza for breakfast, reading only portions of different books simultaneously and never finishing them, and for some reason not really anxious to see how any of them end. It's weird, I almost find ways to make things a little backwards, just to kind of make it my own. I realize now that these are silly examples, but eh....what does it matter?

why do i keep waiting? i know i'm not patient...

The sky glows
I see it shining when my eyes close
I hear your warnings but we both know
I'm gonna look at it again

Don't wait, don't wait
The road is now a sudden sea
And suddenly, you're deep enough
To lay your armor down
To lay your armor down
To lay your armor down
...

The lights will flash and fade away,
The days will pass you by
Don't wait

I know what you are thinking, but I am not a poet. However, my beloved Chris Carrabba (Dashboard Confessional) is indeed.
I've been thinking lately about my constant mindset of waiting. I keep thinking that my life will start at a certain point, and that is the time when I will start living passionately. For some reason, the trigger hasn't gone off in my mind that I am ready to start living and stop waiting.

It's crazy, because I keep thinking, "Oh, well when I start high school, when summer comes, when I go to college, when I meet that guy, when I get married, when I have kids...THAT is when I'll start living, that is when my life means something, and that is when I will truly live."
I realize this quite often, and am puzzled by my own inclination to hold back and wait for a major event in life to kick into high gear and really live the way I know I can, and want to.

While I was getting ready this morning and listening to the melodious musical stylings of Mr. Carrabba, a daily routine...I noticed once again that I am waiting. It seriously confuses me (which is silly and means I am confusing myself, whole other issue) and I am so torn as to why I continue to hold back.

The phrase, "To lay your armor down" hit me differently today. Am I putting up some sort of armor that keeps me from living the life I desire? Is there some kind of weird barrier that I keep trying to get past but can't seem to? And then at the end of the song, "The lights will flash and fade away, the days will pass you by, don't wait."

I recently had a birthday, 19 woo hoo! Not really, most things are still illegal for me to participate in and the only milestone for me to cross now is the last year of being a teenager. Something interesting happened this birthday, I didn't feel inspired to start living. I didn't feel that sense of holding back and the need to just get out there and do something. It was strange, and I didn't really know what to make of the whole thing. For some reason, that little thing called waiting...isn't really a part of me anymore. I'm ready to live my life, which sounds more dramatic than I actually mean it to, but you get the idea.

Moral of the story = listening to Dashboard will most likely result in major life changes.